SPOILER ALERT OK!
The episode starts off with the four in the bar where Nick works. Schmidt is trying to drink himself silly because of his lingering feelings for Cece. Nick decides he wants to become a functioning member of society and decides to try harder at his job, because of his new boss, much to Jess’ dismay. While Nick explains how he’s prepared a new promotion for the bar, Jess grows more and more hot and bothered, until finally the scene cuts to Jess in her shared bathroom with Cece, wearing a pink robe, telling her, “I want him. I want him bad.”
[Insert theme song here]
The episode continues with Jess talking to Cece, saying that when she see’s Nick trying to become a better person, she wants to jump his bones. Of course that’s when Nick comes in, wearing a plain white shirt and boxers, and says he’s doing laundry, and how he thinks he’s gonna do some more work around the house and such. As he’s talking Jess is growing more and more aroused and just yells at him to get out until he turtle faces his way out of the bathroom.
Next scene is Nick, Schmidt, and Winston are back in the bar, Nick explains his plans for “Guys Night” where the men drink for free. Schmidt is still trying to drink himself stupid and the new boss turns out to be Nick’s newest fling. Schmidt and Winston of course tease him about it.
Cut to Schmidt and Winston at an aquarium where Schmidt has a few great one-liners, all because he want a lionfish because it reminds him of Cece. Of course the aquarium won’t sell it to him so now it’s Schmidt’s goal to capture the creature.
Now we’re back at the loft with the four, Schmidt has bout an aquarium, and plans to find and/or buy a lionfish. He leaves with Winston and now Nick and Jess are alone, and he’s slowly torturing her, telling her he’s really liking New Nick, and she smells him, and he tells her he’s doing laundry now, and he unbuckles his pants and shows her he’s wearing underwear, and she’s going crazy. She ends up storming off to her room when he asks her to take him to the hardware store so he can get supplies for guys night. He follows her in her room and she agrees. There were more innuendos, but I can’t recall them.
They end up at the hardware store, Nick handling a long chain like it’s his penis, and Jess is staring at him with those big eyes and spreading her lust around. Nick gives her a list of the things he needs, and they’re basically things with words like shaft, and of course the title name, quick hardening caulk. Jess runs and stands by the fans and says “Remember you caught him pleasuring himself to a bacon magazine.” (or something like that). When she returns, Nick has a cylinder against his crotch and Jess is so done, Nick drops the cylinder, which falls on a board and whacks Jess in the chin, and she blacks out.
Back at the loft, Jess is in bed with a huge bruise on her chin and on painkillers. Nick comes in with soup, and Jess is high as a fucking kite, and of course she’s going on and on about how Nick is attractive, then blatantly says, “I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!” So now a very high Jess, is trying to get a reluctant Nick into bed, and ends up punching him in the eye and makes his hand end up in her hot bowl of soup and so no sex.
Schmidt and Winston are suiting up in scuba gear to go fishing for the lionfish. Nick comes out and asks them if a girl is on pain meds and says she wants to have sex with you is it morally right? Of course those two are no help, and Nick ends up admitting that if he had known he could have had Jess, he wouldn’t be with this new chick. Jess comes out and says she doesn’t remember anything, but that she would be going to guys night.
Schmidt and Winston go fishing and Schmidt ends up getting stung in the face by a jellyfish, and asks Winston to pee on his face.
Jess shows up to Guys Night at the bar, and Nick tries to hide the fact that he’s sleeping with his boss. Of course when his boss asks who Jess is, Nick doesn’t know what to say and Jess leaves, with Nick chasing her. They end up back at the loft, arguing, with Nick wondering why it meant so much to her that he was seeing someone, and just asks “Do you want to have sex with me.” Jess says yes. Then no. Then yes again. She tells nick that ever since he started trying harder, she found herself more attracted to him and Nick calls her a gold digger. Jess said she could do better, and Nick tells her to prove it. THEN THEY KISS! Like full blown making out, I’m gonna sex you up nice and good kiss. Mind you they’re still arguing, but they’re kissing. Nick puts her on the table and tells her to take off her clothes, though they’re still yelling at one another. So while Jess is taking her clothes off, and Nick’s shoving things off the table, and they’re still arguing, they end up breaking Schmidt’s new aquarium. The two argue that they’re not going to clean it up and storm off. Then come back to kiss some more. Then storm off again.
Schmidt is in the hospital sleeping. Cece comes inn and talks to Winston and has brought a lionfish with her. Winston tells her it’s best to stay away from Schmidt right now, because her engagement is killing him. She leaves, and tells Winston to keep the fish. Schmidt wakes up after she leaves, and tells Winston it was never about the fish, it was about Cece all along. He sees the fish and asks how he got it, and Winston lies, and tells him that he caught it.
The episode ends with Schmidt and Winston returning the lionfish to the ocean.